Will you two be holding hands under the water in the near or far
future? Maybe, if you’ve developed ways to:
- Talk with each other so you each feel valued and heard
- Solve problems without attacking or blaming
- Negotiate so each of you gets at least some of what you want
- Manage the ADD traits that are so difficult to live with
- Learn to swim!
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There are countless factors that influence marriage and romantic
relationships – many of them completely unrelated to ADD. Many of us
have to deal with unresolved issues from the past, culture or gender
differences, expectations each brings into the relationship,
contrasting communication styles, and differences in personal needs
for intimacy and connection. When a partner has attention deficit
disorder, you can add those challenges to the mix. Some traits of ADD
that profoundly impact relationships are disorganization, clutter, an
inaccurate sense of time, losing focus when focus is important,
impulsive speech and decision making, difficulty with task
follow-through, and mood fluctuations. As a coach, I am often
contacted by non-ADD partners because they are frustrated, hurt, or
annoyed by their partner’s ADD symptoms. And I’ve been contacted by
individuals who have ADD because they are tired of the conflicts, wish
they could please their partners, and want to make positive changes
for themselves and for the relationship. Whether you are newly involved or a couple of 30 years, coaching can help.
If you are each committed to working out issues and enhancing
your relationship, I can assist you through the following steps:
- Understand attention deficit disorder and why the partner with
ADD is having particular challenges. Neutralize ADD traits. Most
likely the partner with ADD isn’t trying to be mean or thoughtless.
He or she may truly lack essential skills or internal structures.
- Learn effective communication techniques that work especially
well when one partner has ADD.
- Identify two or three ADD related problems that are the most
detrimental to the relationship. We can’t take on everything at
once, so you need to work together to pick out a few of the most
pressing issues you’d like to address.
- From the issues you’ve picked, discover what is really wrong.
How is each person or the whole family affected? What are the
underlying feelings that result?
- Figure out how each of you is contributing to the problem. Even
though an ADD trait may be the cause, there might be something the
non-ADD partner is doing as well that isn’t helpful.
- Develop a solution.
- Create strategies to reach the solution. What new habits or
skills need to be developed first? Is help needed by the non-ADD
partner and does that have to be negotiated? Make sure the help you
decide on feels satisfactory to both of you. Help that is fueled by
resentment or feels like nagging can only make things worse. What
other kinds of prompts or cues could help?
- Make a plan, breaking it down into small, achievable steps. Come
up with a time-table, if applicable. How will you know when progress
is being made? Build in methods to give each other consistent and
constructive feedback.
- Anticipate roadblocks. Is everything in place? Is anything in
the way? How might either of you hinder or sabotage the plan?
- Acknowledge positive steps and remember that changing a lifetime
of habits doesn’t happen overnight. Appreciate that your partner
(non-ADD and ADD) is doing the best he/she can at this point in
life. Be kind to each other.
If you would like to explore how ADD coaching can help, please
visit the consultation page.
I look forward to talking with you.
Here are some of the best books about
relationships and ADD.
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“Keep your eyes open before marriage; half shut afterwards.”
Benjamin Franklin |
