If your kids are older, the mother’s helper should also be a bit older and the responsibilities and compensation can be expanded. (Pay varies greatly depending on the geographic area.) Some duties could be transportation to and from after school activities, dinner prep, homework help, and light housework.

How to Feel About Hiring a Mother’s Helper
Feel smart, relieved, and resourceful. If some help can allow you to be more calm and effective, then go for it! You and your family deserve it.

How I used a Mother’s Helper
When my kids were pre-school and early to mid- grade school, I enlisted a 12 year old mother’s helper. When I needed to get something done (like paperwork), she would keep my kids occupied so I didn’t have get pulled in a million different directions and eventually just give up. What a relief! Some other things she did were:
1. Take the dog for a walk (and sometimes the kids too)
2. Fold the laundry
3. Empty the dishwasher
4. Take a child or two to the park
5. Help my oldest child do his math and spelling homework (It was more effective with her because she could actually sit down with him for 20 minutes in a row.)
6. Help a child clean his or her room. She actually enjoyed this!
7. Wash grapes and cut them up into little bunches
8. Play games with the kids when I was trying to cook dinner … etc. etc. etc.

Ways to Find a Mother’s Helper
1. Ask other moms if they know anyone or have a child who would be interested in the job.
2. Call the counseling office at the local middle, junior high, or high school and see if they know of anyone.
3. Put an ad up on a bulletin board at your local grocery store, coffee shop, or community center.
4. Inquire at your church, synagogue, or other place of worship
5. If you can afford to pay a little more, contact your closest community college and find out how to advertise a job.

Good luck!

Many women with ADHD, whether they are married or not, feel that same sense of being scattered, anxious, disorganized, and overwhelmed. My clients talk to me about the shame and inadequacy they feel. They compare themselves to super-moms and feel guilt at the thought that they might need some help.

If you relate to these kinds of feelings, please try to give yourself a break. (Even a little one!) Know that ADHD is a real neurological difference and the impact it can have on your life is huge. You deserve kindness, understanding and recognition for all that you do. Not criticism and self-blame

The job of raising a family includes many skills and tasks that do not come easily for moms with ADHD. Some of these are:

• Details – remembering medical and dental appointments, play dates, permission slips, vitamins, clean clothes, toilet paper, etc. etc.

• Mundane and boring tasks – grocery shopping, laundry, making school lunches (that my kids rarely ate), emptying the dishwasher, etc. etc.

• Attention challenges – such as sustained focus when your child is talking and talking to you or transitions of attention when you are pulled in a million different directions.

• Organization – of things, appointments, time, spaces, you name it!

• Stress. As you probably know, feeling stress and pressure makes ADHD symptoms worse. Since many parents with ADHD have children with the same challenges, a common stressor is the extra time, energy, and emotion required to raise a child with ADHD or other special needs. Another difficult stressor is feeling criticized and misunderstood when you are already giving 125% of who you are and what you can accomplish.

Just think how different life could be with a little help. Whether negotiated with your husband, another family member, or someone you pay, getting help does not diminish your worth. Instead, it allows you to more easily express the loving, unique, creative, and fun aspects of yourself – which can get buried under all the pressure, rushing, and stress!

1. Realize that having to focus all day can be draining and find the time to rest and renew. This could mean playing a video game, taking a walk, reading a good book, or just lying on the couch and staring at the ceiling! The most important thing is to NOT feel guilty because taking the time to re-energize your body and mind is an essential component of functioning at your best.

2. Try to evaluate whether you are putting unrealistic demands and expectations on yourself. None of us are perfect and having ADD/ADHD and executive functioning challenges makes certain aspects of life harder. Practice recognizing your accomplishments and all the good things that you do. And try to develop some compassion for yourself if you fall short. See if you can give yourself a break.

3. Spend time with caring non-judgmental people whenever possible. Creating a personal support system where you can be yourself and feel accepted is crucial for everyone, ADHD or not.

4. Find ways to feel grateful every day. Most of us take so much for granted that we often overlook our blessings. Do we have food to eat? A warm place to live? Our health? Family? Safety? Some people keep a gratitude journal and others just say a prayer of thanks every night. Do whatever works to remind you of everything good in your life. This can help tremendously in broadening our perspectives!

5. Practice taking brief pauses throughout the day to become aware of what you are thinking, feeling, or doing in the present moment. If we set reminders (electronic or written) to trigger us to step back and observe ourselves, it can help in so many ways. This observation can be called mindfulness. Is my attention matching my intention? In other words, did I really mean to be checking my emails right now? Is my neck tense? What am I telling myself about this task I am avoiding? Developing the skills to step back and observe ourselves can help us make sure we are acting in our own best interests.

6. Exercise! Dr. John Ratey, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and author of Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain suggests thinking of exercise as a form of medication for ADD/ADHD. Exercise improves attention, energy, and mood. Anything aerobic, even 30 minutes of brisk walking, can cause your brain to release endorphins, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. These brain chemicals increase your ability to focus and pay attention. So if you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or don’t know where to start, try running up and down some stairs or doing jumping jacks!

7. Keep yourself fueled with healthy food and liquids throughout the day. This means different things to different people, depending on whether you are a vegetarian, a meat eater, on a Paleo diet, or whatever! Regardless, a diet low in sugar and simple carbs and high in fruits, vegetables, and good quality protein is probably best. Try not to go too long without eating and keep yourself hydrated. These all add up to an optimally functioning brain and body. If you tend to hyper-focus, you may want to set electronic reminders: Don’t forget to eat!

8. Get enough sleep. Staying up late seems to go along with ADHD and some people get a second wind at 11 p.m. It helps to develop a bedtime routine that will work just for you. For at least an hour before bed, what could you do that would allow you to relax, let go of the day, and get ready for sleep? Some suggestions are keeping the lights low, listening to relaxing music, slow stretching, meditation or yoga, turning off electronics, and settling into bed with a book. What time should you start winding down? Once you’ve figured it out, set an alarm to remind you to start your routine. Not easy, but getting enough sleep can improve your whole next day and help you function at your best.

I wasn’t sure how this would work with teenagers and young adults with ADHD, but it has been very well received. It helps them learn to slow down, relax, and be aware of themselves in the present moment – skills that most of us could use! I have led clients (all ages) through meditation and Qigong practices in person and over the phone.

This week, one high school girl after practicing a standing Qigong meditation said, “I feel so relaxed. I thought I’d better get up and then realized I was already standing up. I really love this!” One young man in college said, “I feel like my whole body is being washed on the inside. Very relaxing. I have been feeling really tense for the past few weeks and my neck was sore and now it feels fine.” And, the parent of a high school girl who was waiting in the car during her session said, “I don’t know what you guys did in there, but when she left me she was having a melt down and when she came back to the car, she was calm and smiling and knew exactly what she needed to do when she got home.”

Qigong is effective for everyone, ADHD or not. And it’s a gift for me to be able to practice it with my clients. I need to remember to slow down, relax, and be aware in the present moment too! To learn about what Qigong is, please see my website page: Stress Reduction for ADHD.

Self-generated disturbing thoughts and worries can be one of the greatest sources of stress in our lives. And the problem is, a lot of the time we aren’t even aware of our thoughts. They can be automatic and habitual and end up taking away our happiness and peace of mind.

Here are two examples I have heard recently from my ADHD coaching clients: My friend didn’t call me back right away. It must mean he doesn’t want to spend time with me anymore. It turned out he wasn’t able to call her back that day because he ended up staying at work until 11 p.m. Here is another one. My boss never comments on what a good job I do. It must mean she is going to fire me soon. It turned out her boss never complimented any of the staff and had a supervisory style that wasn’t very supportive. It had nothing to do with my client who was doing a wonderful job.

Here is an embarrassing one that came from me when I couldn’t reach my daughter. She was away at college and it was 5 degrees and icy where she lived. I had images of her lying on the ground somewhere with a broken leg from slipping on the ice (in the dark of course) and not being able to reach her cell phone because it flew out of her purse when she fell. She finally noticed that I had called her five times and called me back very worried about me!

Joel Levey, a meditation teacher and author of the book, Simple Meditation and Relaxation, writes about a technique can help us become aware of when we experience thoughts that cause us stress. It’s a mindfulness of thought technique that comes from a tribe in Africa.

“From an early age, children in this tribe are trained to be mindful of their thinking. If a person becomes aware of a foreboding thought like, “Oh no, what if there is a lion hiding behind that tree waiting to eat me?” they learn first to recognize and then release the thought by acknowledging it to themselves, “This is a story that doesn’t need to happen.”

We can also use this technique to identify positive stories and thoughts that we would like to see happen. “In response to a desirable mental scenario, such as “Maybe there is a watering hole over there,” or “I hope the baby I am carrying will be healthy and grow to be a leader,” the members of this tribe would say to themselves, “And this is a healing story!”

We can try these techniques on ourselves to help us identify what stories or scenarios hurt or heal us. Remember that most of the things we worry about don’t happen. Yes, it is possible that the worse might happen, but it’s not probable in most situations.

Once we become aware of our stories, we may have more control over the outcome of what we are worrying about. If a college student subconsciously thinks, “I’ll never get this paper done,” then it would be very difficult to try. Why not give up if it’s never going to get done?

On the other hand, with awareness, the student could investigate the thought. What is holding me back from getting it done? What do I need that I don’t have? What kind of help could I use? Do I need to go somewhere different to write it? Do I know what is required for this paper? Maybe, after investigation, this student would gain insight as to what factors are holding him back and develop strategies to overcome them. Then he could come up with a healing story.

One of my Qigong teachers said that most of our “what if” scenarios are about scary or negative things. Maybe we could experiment with sending ourselves some positive and healing “what if’s.” It may feel unfamiliar, but it’s worth getting used to!

Experts such as Dr. Daniel Amen, recommend a diet with lots of protein, less simple carbs (such as candy, corn syrup, white rice and white flour), more complex carbs (such as brown rice, whole grains, and vegetables) and more Omega-3 fatty acids.

If you don’t have much time in the mornings and want something dense with nutrients, here is a suggestion. It’s called a “Green Smoothie” and it only takes a few minutes to make. It works for me to help my brain feel sharp and my body energized. Of course use your own judgment taking into account food allergies, personal tastes, etc. etc.

You can make a Green Smoothie in most blenders. Start with about a half a cup of milk (low fat dairy, soy, almond, or rice) or water – depending on your taste. Add some kale or spinach leaves and completely blend it up. (We have tons of Kale that has been growing in our garden since last summer so I just go to the front porch and pick a few leaves.) It will look pretty green at this point, so now is the time to add some color.

Throw in about a cup of frozen fruit and then blend again. My favorite is a mix of strawberries, blueberries, and raspberries. After that is blended, add one banana. You will barely be able to taste the kale at this point, which is one of the most healthy vegetables in existence. Now add a scoop of protein powder and blend for the final time. There are many brands of protein powders on the market, some even including your daily requirement of vitamins and minerals.

You can experiment with more or less liquid and other fruit. Another addition could be a teaspoon of flax seed oil or fish oil, rich in Omega-3′s. Some companies have come up with flavored fish oils that really disguise the taste – especially in a smoothie. The whole thing takes only a few minutes to make. Enjoy!

1. Where is my attention right now?
2. How is it serving me?

It’s pretty hard to remember these questions when we are deep in hyper-focus or our attention is caught up in upsetting “what if” scenarios. Sometimes, it really helps to set up some kind of reminder system to trigger the questions. This can vary depending on what works best for you. You may find that asking yourself these questions regularly will not only help you get back on track with task completion, but it can help you shift out of negative thoughts or worries that are not serving you well.

The way that most girls experience or express their ADD/ADHD does not tend to get noticed – which is why it is so often missed. They are usually diagnosed as having the “primarily inattentive” type of ADD/ADHD. They may be sensitive and quiet and labeled as spacey or daydreamers. Some common challenges in inattentive type ADD/ADHD are difficulties getting started, being forgetful, spacing out, disorganization of thoughts and the environment, and feeling completely overwhelmed. Even when girls are diagnosed with the hyperactive type of ADD/ADHD, their hyperactivity usually manifests as excessive talking, intense emotions, and quick verbal reactivity, rather than the acting out behaviors often seen in boys.

While both genders can be the victims of bullying and rejection by their classmates, studies have shown that girls with ADD/ADHD experience more isolation and feel more rejected than boys. (Understanding Girls with ADHD by Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D., Ellen Littman, Ph.D., and Patricia Quinn, M.D) This may be because relationships between girls are usually highly verbal and centered on social interactions while relationships between boys are often centered on sports, other physical activities, or playing video games. Sophisticated communication skills are often not as crucial for teen age boys.

When ADD/ADHD causes distractibility, forgetfulness, or impulsiveness, it’s pretty difficult to follow a fast conversation or respond appropriately to subtle social nuances. Girls may receive critical reactions from their friends because of what they inadvertently say (or don’t say) in a social context. This can be devastating if it happens often enough and can create self-doubt and anxiety around taking social risks in the future.

Academically, even highly intelligent girls with ADD/ADHD may end up working longer and harder than their non-ADD friends. I know quite a few high school girls who frequently stay up all night to write a paper or study for a test. They can become very discouraged when their grades don’t reflect their efforts. It may also seem like everybody else can get their work done early enough to go to bed at a decent hour, even with after school activities. Some reasons that studying can take so long without the desired results are perfectionism, not knowing how to start, feeling overwhelmed, difficulty with sustaining focus, or being unable to stay linear in their approach without veering off in all sorts of other directions.

Girls with ADHD need to feel accepted and competent. Even if school is a challenge, parents can help by getting them involved in out of school activities where they can express and develop their talents and strengths.  One of my clients struggled in school but was great with horses. She was involved in a program every weekend where she helped disabled kids ride horses. Another was a wonderful artist. Even though there were not many opportunities to take art classes in high school, she took private drawing classes after school. She even had a show of her drawings in a coffee house.  How’s that for gaining a wider perspective?

As well as developing competence outside of school, learning organizational skills and developing systems and structures for school work is  important for self-esteem.  These skills can be learned with a therapist who specializes in ADHD, an ADHD coach, or a special program in school.  Learning these skills from someone other than the parent seems critical for most of the teenage girls I have worked with. They are trying to develop more independence and it is normal for them to push against the parent who is trying to help.

With appropriate support, help in developing structures and systems, medical treatment if necessary, and psychological help if she is showing signs of anxiety or depression, your daughter can successfully move from adolescence to young adulthood.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

This means you’ll have less of a struggle with your mind when it wants to be stimulated and go somewhere else more interesting. You will be engaging your brain right from the beginning and giving it a purpose – helpful for everyone but especially for those who have ADHD!

There’s a method that’s been around awhile called SQ3R. No matter how unexciting the required reading may seem, using the steps in this process can help you get through the material and remember it. Here goes:

The First S stands for SURVEY
This means a quick preview of what you need to read, without worrying about the main text yet. Let’s say you are reading a chapter in a text book.

•Scan the chapter paying attention to the titles and any sub-titles in bold. Those are important because they get your brain ready to take in the information to come.

•Look for charts, graphs or other illustrations. What information can you get out of those?

•Next scan for key words that are in bold or italics. Those terms are important. Even if you don’t understand them yet, your memory is being activated just by looking at them. When they come up again in the text, they will not be new information.

•Now read the introduction and the summary. Even if you don’t know any details yet, this will start the ball rolling and your later reading of the text will fill in the blanks.

•Last, read any questions or discussion at the end of the chapter.

The Q stands for QUESTION
Questioning changes the process of studying from passive to active. It can make what you are reading more meaningful and help your mind concentrate.

•After you read a subtitle or heading, see if you can think of questions that will be answered in the section. Be creative. Ask as many questions as you can think of.

•Write the questions down so you can find them when you are reading.

Now come the three R’s. The first is READ.

•Now actually read all the text.

•Use the head start you gave your brain by looking at the questions you created and finding the answers while you are reading.

•If there are questions in the back of the chapter, you can use them as well to give your reading another purpose.

•Write notes as you read or underline important points and ideas. Using a combination of underlining, highlighting, and notes can be more interesting. Some people even use different colors to categorize key points.

•Allow yourself to read slowly and carefully at this point. You want to absorb the material, not skim over it.

The next R stands for RECITE. Saying what you are learning out loud is a great tool for memory and comprehension. This is a way to use another learning mode. Although this step is helpful for everyone, it is especially beneficial for auditory learners.

•If you are alone, try some interesting ways to recite. You can talk to yourself in the mirror, for example. Or pretend like you are giving a lecture about what you have learned.

•If you have friends to study with, that works really well. You can ask each other questions and take turns providing the answers. Or teach someone else what you are learning. Teaching can be a great way to make sure you really understand the material.

The last R is for REVIEW.

•Re-read your notes and what you have underlined and highlighted.

•Go back over your own questions and any questions in the back of the book and be sure you can still answer them.

An important point: Don’t forget to take breaks! Because this process is broken down into steps, it provides natural times to take breaks. Maybe use a timer or your phone to remind you of when it’s time to come back. This method may take a little longer than you are used to, but it’s worth an experiment to see if it helps.

Find other people to study with who are more focused and directed in their study habits than you might tend to be. Some people are really good at staying on track. It’s especially helpful to find other students who are studying for the same class. Then you can ask each other relevant questions or share ideas. But even if you can’t find someone to connect with who is taking the same class, you may be able to form a study group or find some study buddies to meet with a few times a week. It can be amazingly helpful.

Many colleges have study centers in math, science, or writing where you can complete your assignments or study for a test with others who are also working hard. Some of these centers even have free on-site tutors so you can get help if you feel stuck or have a question. At the University of Washington, there is CLUE: http://depts.washington.edu/clue/index.php
Everyone is different and some people do fine studying on their own. For others, there is “safety in numbers” when it comes to focusing and staying on track!